Identity...

It has now been over 3 weeks since I arrived in Umphumulo, and now that I have been here for some time I’m beginning to experience more of the realization of who I am in South Africa. Nomfundo, my adopted big sister who lives the closest to me, has really taken me under her wing; she took me home with her one weekend in Ulundi, she cooks for me, we laugh ALL the time together, we have really in depth conversations about life, Christianity, and relationships, and it was her and her friends that gave me my Zulu name… Thandeka, meaning loveable; which I LOVE dearly! But it was this past weekend at the Young Adults League (YAL) Conference in Intshanga where I was faced with something I did not even think I would have ever had a problem with… who I am.

Being at the YAL Conference turned out to be a blissful yet challenging weekend; blissful in the fact that I saw and spent some time to catch up with 8 of 11 YAGM, but challenging in the fact that we experienced a league full of praise and worship in ‘growth.’ By this I mean the procedure of things were very pleasant, full of God, and orderly, yet there were minor details throughout the sessions that were continuously noted and discussed. In the end, the board of the YAL, the religious leaders present, and members of the YAL all had a positive outlook to fix and/or improve the league. I believe it was Bishop Bowles, a religious leader for the YAL, who made a very important point and concluded, “Brothers and sisters, there is one common ground which brings us all here to work on these problems, and that is God. If we did not believe in God, if we did not LOVE God, then we would not be here, but we are. This, brothers and sisters, is what makes us ONE no matter what we think is right or wrong.” The theme for the YAL Conference was ‘Unity in Diversity,’ and with this theme there were definitely things that were pointed out to be different amongst the people, but it was fixed, noted, and left for improvement… ending in unity. What I also thought was a great blessing in disguise was the fact of knowing all 11 official languages of South Africa were present at the YAL Conference. Getting to listen and hear the differences and similarities of the languages was GREAT, and it made me feel good to know that I could understand ONE of them!! Even though I only know a small bit of Zulu, this just leaves room for increasing my Zulu vocabulary; which is always increasing with each passing day… Yebo!

But what I want to touch base on is something that I have found South Africa to bring me to reality with. Since a situation that happened while attending the Conference this past weekend, the idea of who I am in South Africa and to its natives has made an even more apparent ‘itch’ on me. Since visiting Ulundi with Nomfundo, I’ve heard a common phrase that has been stated towards me, “mlungu.” In English, this means ‘white person,’ and I have not taken it offensively, but it has made me think to myself, “I’m not even white,” and I have been dealing with the issue of being called a ‘white person.’ In the States I am Latina, brown, a minority, and I know and have been through certain struggles, but for the FIRST time in my life I am white to those around me and, to some, I am stereotyped in this white American category which I have never lived, experienced, or known. This has been a bit of a struggle for me, and I know being stereotypical is not the ‘right’ thing to do, but they are there and people are human; whether South African, Mexican, American, or from any other country, and we all fall short with the mercy of God.

As a minority in the States and then as something very different in another country, it IS a struggle for me because it is a concept that I have never experienced myself. I am a bit disheartened being placed into this group, but it also reminds me that apartheid was a SIGNIFICANT part of several older black South Africans still living today. Therefore, I do not automatically take into offense the statements that are being stated towards me or the situations that I have gone through with certain adults. I listen to them, kindly give them an understanding of who I am and why I believe this, and then go back home and pray. Being human, the fact that I have to deal with this struggle frustrates me, but because I am a minority, my family struggled, and my family is where we are today because each generation worked hard for themselves to progress… and it is still continuing. This is what I feel is the idea which is being fulfilled or TRYING to be fulfilled within black South African families. And through a process of change, now the same quality of education is provided, there are no signs or barriers as to who can or can’t walk along certain areas of the beach, jobs and even the same ‘top quality’ job titles are offered, and the list goes on and on… but then again all of this is offered to some degree. This brings even more questions because as I was traveling with Baba Khathi, my supervisor at the ELCSA SED offices, towards the YAL Conference I remember him sharing with me how even though apartheid is ‘extinct,’ some private schools increased the pay for tuition to keep blacks from attending, and so there are still some ways in which white South Africans have “out-smarted,” according to Baba Khathi, the change of South Africa no longer being apartheid. In my own experience, there are private hospitals and public hospitals which see either a majority of white or a majority of black South Africans. From volunteering at the Umphumulo Public Hospital for over 2 weeks now, I see that I am the only nonblack young adult who walks through the entrance gate, and I wonder, are the HIV/AIDS patients I’ve seen even getting the same quality health care a person being seen at a private hospital is receiving? Due to sitting in on some circumstantial doctor’s meetings, I’m only led to believe it is not so easy working in a public versus working in a private hospital with what is being offered instrumental and medical wise… and this list goes on and on.

So getting back to my point, I’m struggling because I know who I am, but while in a third world country, who I am is NOT who I’m seen to be. While a minority in the States, I am also still a minority in South Africa, but in an entirely different way and with privileges I’ve never had. Who I am is nonexistent due to history here, and it is this reality of ‘not being me’ that frustrates me. Because if being who I am was a reality, then I would not be put into a group that has NEVER been something I’ve been defined with. So I want to share with you a struggle I have been faced with, a situation that has opened my eyes, and altogether, as ‘being’ with the South Africans, we are learning from each other because I am not just accepting it either. After talking with Nomfundo about it, I see that I am learning that as this country changes and its people change, that in due time… in His time, things will become better because majority of its people are changing too. Again, this reminds me of the drive towards the YAL Conference, when Baba Khathi told me that the country will see a better change when his children, his grandchildren, and so on, become older and start making decisions for this country that will allow this change to become easier. This is because they did not witness apartheid as a first hand event; they will have only heard stories from their parents, grandparents, great grandparents, and so on, and the change will not be as hard. Baba Khathi stated, “I feel because I have witnessed apartheid and I have been racially discriminated, that even though apartheid is no more I still have that little sense of not trusting anyone other than blacks. But because I know apartheid is no more, I find myself having to struggle with something that I have, for the majority of my life, known to be true. And that my dear friend, is just the reality of me.” And then I remember talking with Nomfundo who stated, “Even though I have not experienced apartheid first hand, I feel we still feel like [white South Africans] have that existing power over us even though it’s not like that anymore; maybe it’s just in our blood. It just seems like even though they are white and make a statement it should just be done. Or [in the reverse side] if you see a white person in a humble home or maybe begging for money you think to yourself ‘what is he doing?’ And that’s probably why when a black South African gets into a high office and he makes a statement, that he feels he needs to make a strong statement, especially if mlungu is around, so that he CAN be heard and taken seriously. That’s just the way it is for some reason.” After these words were stated, my eyes were opened, and I completely respected the reality of what Baba Khathi, Nomfundo, and probably several other black South Africans thought, and it was that moment of the ‘light bulb’ turning on.

I can only ask the Lord to help me understand these concepts being put on me in another country. Who I am, may not be my identity to others outside of the States, but being ‘white’ when I have always known to be ‘brown’ is becoming a battle within myself right now; especially for the FIRST time ‘being’ (however you want to take it) this far away from home. In my heart, I do not just want to accept it, but help others to see that I am NOT what they automatically think. However, because of where I am, I am trying my hardest to be patient when I just want to know why, be considerate towards their truths, be accompanied by my hosts, and allow the Spirit of Christ to work to and through us because it is He, in the end, that allows us to have a greater understanding and be at peace. Again, I ask for guidance from Him as I toss and turn identity in a place that is NOT home, but in several ways still feels like it…